...Passover Seder with my wonderful aunt, uncle, cousins, kids, partners that went late into the night with laughter and tears and joy, unending conversation, witty remarks, too much delicious food, jumping frogs, and everything that makes this Seder that I look forward to every year so special. I always think of my aunt and uncle as they were when I was a kid -- they were glamorous and beautiful, my aunt having a hairdo just like Marlo Thomas in That Girl, my uncle suave and handsome, easygoing and charming. My aunt always looked liked she stepped out of Vogue magazine, my uncle out of GQ, and I thought they were the most sophisticated jetsetters. They knew everyone, were kind to everyone, exchanged witty banter, laughed easily, charmed everyone they met. They are forever fixed in my mind as if they are in their 30s though now they're 87 and 90 (87 and 90?!?!) My aunt is Mom's younger by two years sister. Mom, the complete opposite of Aunt J. Mom the hippie, the one who forged her own road, the artist and bohemian, barefoot, long hair, jeans, wearing pants to synagogue when everyone else wore a dress, never donned a hat, wore very little makeup, a true flower child in her approach to love and humanity. Not that Aunt J doesn't share her humanistic qualities - she's just packaged differently, never a hair out of place, never an outfit that doesn't look like a million bucks. They love each other fiercely. Mom was her own person from the get-go and endlessly got on my grandmother's nerves because Mom didn't care about fashion or hairdos or the outward trappings of beauty (Mom is completely beautiful), and to my grandmother, looks were everything. To my mom, looks meant nothing. It was what's inside that counts. Aunt J, seeing the endless fighting and wanting no part of it, took the road of least resistance and made sure that she always looked like a million bucks to avoid the abuse heaped upon Mom by my grandmother. Aunt J still tells stories of the fights between Mom and my grandmother, which are heartbreaking and make me so angry. It's amazing to me that Mom turned out the way she did, considering how much she was tormented by my grandmother. Instead of becoming an abuser herself, she went the opposite way and loves people into submission. Aunt J is a wonder to me, as is Mom. I love these two women like you can't believe. Both have been and continue to be lifelong role models for me. I cherish these Seders for many reasons and they've taken on a different meaning as everyone has gotten older. Driving away from this one, my fabulous partner behind the wheel, I wiped many tears of joy and sorrow from my leaking eyes...will this be the last one with everyone here? Who knows what's around the corner....all we have is now, this moment, and the memories that fill us up and bring joy to our hearts. I'll savor this Seder like I do my cousin's incredible macaroons....delicious, decadent, fleeting, fabulous.
I hope whatever holiday you celebrated this spring, even if only celebrating that spring is here, has filled you up and brought joy to your heart and soul.
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...that our deepest fears visit us at night? What is that all about? Why does darkness engender demons in our minds? I've been up since three this morning, wild thoughts swirling without ease, although I'm a little better with the sunrise (it was a beautiful sunrise, lots of pinks and yellows, lovely wispy clouds) but have lingering angst. And the hell of it all is that life is good! I'm happy and healthy, friends are in good places (mostly), family is in good places (mostly), Chicago has a new mayor that seems like a wonderful pick, Wisconsin just got a liberal Supreme Court for the first time in 15 years, the orange fuckwad was indicted and arraigned on 34 fabulous counts of crap, my partner is amazing, it's spring and the weather is gorgeous....so what kept me up most of the night, you ask? One of those awful rabbit holes of self-doubt. Yep, my brain telling me, "Kristie, you've made all the wrong choices! You're a failure! You should never have become an actor! You should have gone to law school! You're never going to work again! You're going to end up penniless! You're so immature! Grow up! Oh, too late - you are grown up! AND YOU'VE MADE ALL THE WRONG CHOICES!" And on and on and on and on. Jeez!!! SHUT UP!!! To quell the rant in my head, I read for a while, hoping to break up the screaming mob. Nope, didn't work. Tried breathing exercises. The only good thing about that was, yep, I'm breathing! I finally just got up and watched the sun rise, listened to the birds wake up, had a long, quiet morning of stillness while my partner snoozed in bed.
What do you do when you're in the grip of self-doubt? Do those fears just come and go throughout our lives because we're human? Why are we so hard on ourselves? What are we measuring our success against? Why do we beat ourselves up so much and forget the good things and focus on the bad? Why don't we see what we have instead of what we have not? Yeah, I don't have answers to these questions, either. All I know is that today is a beautiful day, the birds are singing, the sun is shining, and I'm breathing. I think I'll focus on the simple stuff today....breathing, sun, beauty....love, gratitude.... I hope you had a fabulous night's sleep and dreamt of marvelous things. ...pretzels, simply because...I don't know! How silly is that? Where do cravings come from? I'm more of a salt person than a sweet person, but I have had to ban really salty things from the cottage -- crackers, potato chips, Triscuits, Wheat Thins, Cheetos, Fritos, Doritos (say, why are they all "os"?), anything that's crunchy and salty because I have no off switch. I can sit down with a bag of, oh, say, Roast Beef and Horseradish potato chips (yes, there is such manna from heaven!) and eat the whole darn bag. And though it tastes so stupidly good whilst crunching and munching, about 20 minutes later, I'm cursing myself for being such a fool. And I can feel my body yelling at me. Everything in moderation, right? Except when you don't have the strength to moderate. I wonder why some folks crave the sweet while others crave the salt. I've always been the salt. And why is it that the things we crave are so bad for us? So I'll confess -- I made a pretzel run today because I couldn't stop thinking about them! Pretzels! Seriously? Silly. But I caved. And you know what? I'm okay with it! Sometimes you just gotta let yourself go, right?
Whatever you might be craving today, perhaps you can cut yourself some slack and just have one...or two. And enjoy it without guilt or shame :-) ...by my mom's hands. When I was little, her long fingers and blue poppy veins, almond-shaped fingernails which she would buff, never paint, and her long palms connected to those beautiful fingers, hands which she used for a myriad of things, gave me constant joy. Mom's hands are deceptively strong - she's not a big woman, but her hands are mighty. When she takes your hand to hold - she has always been a hand-holder and I'm sure because of her, so am I - her grip is astonishingly firm and strong. Perhaps it's all those years holding pens, pencils, brushes, molding clay, knitting, crocheting, cooking, gardening, petting dogs and cats, ironing, and the hundreds of things an artist's hands do that strengthen. Even now at almost 90 (almost 90!), her hands intrigue me. When she started to get arthritis, which amazingly has not hampered her art or ability to hold pens and pencils, she was fascinated by what the arthritis did to her hands and how it changed their shape (and as I sit here writing, it just occurred to me that she has never, not once, complained of any pain if there, indeed, is any. A trait my mother has had her entire life - I have never heard her complain about anything. It's almost unreal, but I'm telling you the truth). She drew her hands countless times as drawing exercises and it's so marvelous to see her hands change as she's drawn them over the years. I recently visited Mom, and we sat talking, looking out the window, laughing, singing, and I watched her use her hands so expressively, as she always has, and it gave me a feeling of comfort and well-being. She hasn't been inspired to draw as of late, so I decided to sit with her and coax her a little. I drew a line, she drew a line, and then I watched as she critically looked at the paper and traced with her somewhat gnarled beautiful finger where she thought the next thing should go. She was easily distracted, so we only drew a little, but that was a great delight on my visit. These are Mom's hands and our partial drawing.
Sending you inspiration today for whatever may need a nudge. You never know where your next great idea will come from, do you? ...of spring! I see them on my daily walks - the trees thinking about blossoming, the tulips (those not chopped off by bunnies yet) have pushed their leaves through the brown, crocus are up, birds are singing and building nests, all sorts of things are venturing forth to bring green and glorious colors to our lives. Being from the Midwest, I've lived with and love every season, and they're very delineated where I live, definite spring, summer, fall, winter. Which season do I love the most? Honestly, whichever season I'm experiencing. They all have their singular beauty, which is what makes each one so unique and exciting. Do you know what these are? Some call them stonecrop or sedum. They're in the succulent family. We had a slew of them growing up that Mom got from her father. My grandfather, Papu Ben, called them lifferevvers (at least that's how I heard it when I was a kid), and Mom called them frog bellies. A little known property of stonecrop or sedum or lifferevvers - they make a frog belly if you know how to do it. I challenge you to figure out the frog belly in the stonecrop :-) Have fun doing it! Helpful hint - you need a mature leaf and tenderness and patience. Good luck! ....several friends going through lots of BIG LIFE stuff...retirement, elder care, divorce, health issues, stress at work, family issues....a laundry list of life being, well, life in all its prisms and chasms and mountains and molehills. And it just keeps rolling along. I believe it was Chaucer who said "Time and tide wait for no man." Oh, boy, you said it, Geoff! And although I have few complaints, some things this week for me have been uber challenging. My way of dealing with it all? Long walks, yoga, putting on some music and dancing around the cottage, The Great British Baking Show, Antiques Roadshow, lots of hugs from my fabulous partner, texting with my BFFs, laughing a lot.... basically staying busy with positive things and moving. It sure helps me. What do you do when life stresses you out? I hope whatever it is helps you deal with the challenges that come to us all at one time or another. Oh, chocolate helps too :-) And sidewalk art! Saw this fab fish on my walk today.
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope you're having the most fantastic time doing it. ....in new situations. Saturday I went to the marvelous memorial for my friend S. It was at an old funeral home in my old neighborhood, which I’ve passed by on foot and in car a million times. I actually did my very first show in Chicago in the church across the street. It was The Adventures of Peer Gynt, and I can’t for the life of me remember who did our adaptation, but Rokko Jans wrote all the music. Anyway, I digress.
The funeral home was packed when I got there and people continued to come in half of the afternoon. It was overwhelming and heartwarming and so many adjectives and emotions that I’ll sound cliché if I try to name them all. I saw people I was hoping to see, friends of S’s who were my friends because of him. We all spent copious amounts of time together in the mid to late ‘80s. So fun to see them, so beautiful to see faces I didn’t know, which actually was most of them. S had friends in many facets of his life, as I suppose we all do. His coworkers from the place he last worked told funny stories about S, his sense of humor, the jokes he liked to tell, and what a good person he was. I told my fun story about him because I thought they’d all appreciate it, which they did. I think laughter can be the best medicine for just about anything if you can find it in you. Sometimes I guess you just can’t. The energy in the room was a mixture of still shock that he’s not here enjoying the party, sadness, joy, love, love, love. That was the overwhelming feeling in the room. We all gathered because of love. That, in me, inspires awe. I was so struck by the grateful feeling that S had all of these people -- old friends, new friends, family -- to love him. We sometimes don’t know how we make a difference in people’s lives. It’s astonishing how many lives we touch without even knowing it. This day will stay with me for its beauty, its simplicity, its honesty, its sorrow, its joy, its laughter, its overwhelming love. I hope you’re having the very most beautiful of days. ....kind of weekend. I was involved in a wonderful reading of Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike with my Zoom theater company. I'm on the fence about that script. It's written by Christopher Durang (sorry if y'all already knew that), who's famous for his absurd and hilarious and whip-smart dialogue and very dark humor. Years ago, I was in one of his plays called The Marriage of Bette and Boo, kind of sad, kind of hilarious, and a great experience for me. Although it was an odd production for me in the sense that everyone treated me as if I were the character I was playing, noted by the character playing my husband that I was "the dumbest white woman in America." Dumb I am not, but for some reason, most of the cast treated me as if I was Soot, the character I was playing. It made for an interesting dressing room, to say the least. Oh, my gosh, now thinking about that production, I had awesome costumes!! The lovely gentleman doing wardrobe especially loved my character and gave me THE BEST outfits and accoutrements to wear! He had so much fun dressing me, like I was a doll or something....all in all, a wonderful albeit strange experience with that show.
The mixed bag part of my weekend....still reeling from my friend's death and can't stop thinking about him. I hope to have closure next weekend when the memorial is scheduled to take place. Gee, we've lost so many people in the last few years.....from the very young to the very old and everything in between. I know that's life....but it's probably the hardest part of life, isn't it? Losing people you've known forever, not having them in this world when it seems like they've always been there, even if you haven't seen them in a while. Feels kind of like that with celebrity deaths or famous people deaths as well. I'm not sure why it saddened me so to hear of Raquel Welch's passing. My partner and I watched Kansas City Bomber in her honor :-) She was really terrific in that! And, oh, my goodness, what a stunning woman.... Can't close on that note. I did manage to get two lovely walks in, have fabulous conversations with my sister, my niece, and one of my BFFs, finished a wonderful Henning Mankell Wallander book (I just started the series - love!!!), did yoga, and ate amazing food that my partner created (he's magic in the kitchen....and in life in general :-) So my mixed bag kind of weekend was overall wonderful. Life is short. Enjoy the hell out of it. This lily in this picture (my artsy fartsy picture :-) was closed tighter than a drum when my partner brought it home (he brings me flowers most every Friday!), and when it finally opened, it was HUGE and stunk up the whole cottage! ....who seems to know everyone? Not as a name dropper (lord knows, I know plenty of those people! Do they irritate you as much as they irritate me?), but someone who, when you're out and about, says hello on a first-name basis with everyone they encounter? A dear friend of mine died suddenly recently, and as I watch tributes pour in on Facebook for him (his Friend count says 1.7K!) it's amazing to me how one person can touch so many lives....so many.
I first met S the year I moved to Chicago. He's one of the first true friends I made when I moved here. He worked at the Jewel in my neighborhood. At that time, in order to get cash (there were no ATMs back then), I would go to the Jewel and cash a check at the service desk. One evening when I was cashing a check, the gentleman who helped me said, "I just saw you in Ballad of the Sad Cafe. You were amazing." I was humbled and flattered, Ballad being the second show I'd done in Chicago, my first starring role, and for someone to recognize me and be so kind made me feel so good. Turns out the gentleman was S, and we became fast friends from that day on. I won't go into lengthy stories about him. I will say that we drank A LOT at a lot of bars -- Gaspar's, The Gaslight, Joel's (some of these don't exist anymore) and I spent copious amounts of time with him at his apartment on Buckingham, where he lived for years. We dated, kind of, then became friends after. S, I believe, was a confirmed bachelor, loving women but couldn't really pull the trigger on being with one for a long stretch, which, I think, suited all of his paramours just fine. I met his closest friends, I met friends that he'd just made. S was a person who knew no strangers. I never heard him say a bad word about anyone. He did a mean Robert DeNiro impression, was enthralled by the movie True Romance, and was jovial and jolly and smart and funny. He smoked waaaaay too many cigarettes and could drink most people under the table. He would find a bar that he wanted to call home and then be a dedicated patron to the point where everyone who worked there and any regulars that perched there as well knew S like family. One funny story. When I was the box office manager at The Goodman, sometimes an employee of mine would sheepishly walk over to my desk and whisper, "There's a Mr. Wilson on the phone for you from a collection agency." The very first time that happened, I was dumbfounded. When I picked up the phone, it was S, laughing his infectious laugh. After that, whenever Mr. Wilson would call, we all got a kick out of it. We lost touch during the pandemic, for which I feel bad. I'm not perfect, nor was S. He had a bad habit of making plans with you and then cancelling at the last minute. I was frustrated for years by that quirk of his and thought it was just me, but when I spoke to some of his friends, they also got the shaft from S at the last minute. I'll never know why he did that, but I will say it did put some distance between us. After that happened a number of times, I learned to make other plans when we had plans because 99% of the time, S would cancel on me. Even so, I loved him and miss him now and will miss him forever. He was a huge part of my life for many years and I'm grateful for his friendship, for all the wonderful conversations, belly laughs, and general terrific times. I'm sorry, S. I wish you were still on this earth. Flights of angels, S. Love hard, my friends.....love hard. Life is short. Don't wait to tell someone how much they mean to you. It can make all the difference. ....how the simple act of spending time with marvelous people can sometimes hit a reset button in your soul. We had the pleasure of spending a delightful evening at one of my BFF's for dinner where bonhomie, sparkling conversation, delicious treats, a loving dog, and laughter abounded. There was another couple that I sort of knew but my partner didn't and my BFF wanted us all to get together, thinking we had a lot in common. Which we do! Not only is my BFF's home a warm inviting space which she has gone out of her way to create for herself, her family, and friends; it's also a place where it seems like creative thoughts and fascinating conversation are fostered due to the warm embrace she has created as her home. I feel incredibly lucky to have her as a big part of my life and I'm still thinking of the things we all talked about, from politics to party questions, foods to passions, family issues to retirement talk, professions to confessions. It's an evening that will stay in my heart for some time and occupy a place of joy.
I hope you've been able to get together with people who mean something to you, who challenge you in a good way, who push your bounds of thoughts, who fill you with laughter, and who occupy a place of joy in your heart. |
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